Loki was just pulling bullshit out of nowhere--he's Loki. ( and billy may be dating him, may have been attached at the hip to him for the last several months but even he knows(knew) better than to believe every little thing that came out of his mouth. the if billy dies this whole thing goes away spiel sat with him for--months. up until he took away even that route of escape.
they're both tired of this though. billy's absolutely done, exhaustion set deep into his bones. he wishes he could just collapse right here, close his eyes for a little while. but that's not happening. deep breaths. in, then out. it's fine. he can do this. )
I--I was afraid I'd go back home and ruin it, at first. Ruin our good ending. Mess something up--cause it not to go as Loki said it would, but. . I still wanted to come back. I was still planning on it. ( this is still hard as hell. ) Honestly? I uh--I spent the first few weeks pissed at Loki. My roommates were a mess, my room was a disaster zone, I was either watching them be catty back and forth or--spending time at the Sanctum. ( this isn't what teddy wants to hear, but. ) Loki lives there. Every time I started to fall apart, he'd put me back together again. I needed it. And I guess he--got close to the other me who was here before. I don't know, I wasn't here, but.
He kept saying he was in love with me and I kept telling him there was no way anything was going to happen, because I love you and I always will. That there's no way I could ever love someone like I love you. ( it wasn't a lie, as far as he was concerned. every time loki got closer, billy told him to lay off. ) We spent a lot of time together, he--apologized for the whole mess, he said he was responsible for Mother, for our fight, for--all of it. Everything. I was pissed, but--
( but he forgave loki for it. and loki promised not to lie to him again. not like that. )
I never stopped loving you, Teddy. I don't think I ever will. But I--started loving Loki, too, even if I know how ill-advised that is. He's been good, he's been--trying to be a better person. But he doesn't exist back home any more, not as this Loki, but as another Loki, and I--I didn't want to mess up our future, I didn't want to go back and somehow undo the team saving you, saving Tommy, the New Years party I haven't been to yet and I didn't want to leave him here all by himself, because last time he was left by himself? He fell apart. Who's going to be here to help pick up the pieces for him, Teddy? He did the same for me. I got sick, I went into a coma and he went so stircrazy he didn't sleep for days. Read a science book. Loki. I don't--want to go back and mess up our happy ending, I don't want to be the thing that holds you back, either. I want you to get the best, and I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can fix everything, I don't even know if I should. And I definitely don't want to leave behind the person who has, every day, for the past--what, six months? Been there for me regardless of how shit everything was for him.
( something teddy's done for him for years. he knows that, too. )
no subject
they're both tired of this though. billy's absolutely done, exhaustion set deep into his bones. he wishes he could just collapse right here, close his eyes for a little while. but that's not happening. deep breaths. in, then out. it's fine. he can do this. )
I--I was afraid I'd go back home and ruin it, at first. Ruin our good ending. Mess something up--cause it not to go as Loki said it would, but. . I still wanted to come back. I was still planning on it. ( this is still hard as hell. ) Honestly? I uh--I spent the first few weeks pissed at Loki. My roommates were a mess, my room was a disaster zone, I was either watching them be catty back and forth or--spending time at the Sanctum. ( this isn't what teddy wants to hear, but. ) Loki lives there. Every time I started to fall apart, he'd put me back together again. I needed it. And I guess he--got close to the other me who was here before. I don't know, I wasn't here, but.
He kept saying he was in love with me and I kept telling him there was no way anything was going to happen, because I love you and I always will. That there's no way I could ever love someone like I love you. ( it wasn't a lie, as far as he was concerned. every time loki got closer, billy told him to lay off. ) We spent a lot of time together, he--apologized for the whole mess, he said he was responsible for Mother, for our fight, for--all of it. Everything. I was pissed, but--
( but he forgave loki for it. and loki promised not to lie to him again. not like that. )
I never stopped loving you, Teddy. I don't think I ever will. But I--started loving Loki, too, even if I know how ill-advised that is. He's been good, he's been--trying to be a better person. But he doesn't exist back home any more, not as this Loki, but as another Loki, and I--I didn't want to mess up our future, I didn't want to go back and somehow undo the team saving you, saving Tommy, the New Years party I haven't been to yet and I didn't want to leave him here all by himself, because last time he was left by himself? He fell apart. Who's going to be here to help pick up the pieces for him, Teddy? He did the same for me. I got sick, I went into a coma and he went so stircrazy he didn't sleep for days. Read a science book. Loki. I don't--want to go back and mess up our happy ending, I don't want to be the thing that holds you back, either. I want you to get the best, and I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can fix everything, I don't even know if I should. And I definitely don't want to leave behind the person who has, every day, for the past--what, six months? Been there for me regardless of how shit everything was for him.
( something teddy's done for him for years. he knows that, too. )
I don't know what you want from me.